Friday, January 07, 2005

Okay, BE mad—just don't be SO mad

The list of things I don't understand continues to grow longer and more unwieldy.

I never understood the popular hostility toward puppets. I guess it's related to clown-hating, which is easier to grasp for a couple of reasons. First, there have only been two or three clowns ever who were any good: Emmett Kelly, Marcel Marceau, and depending on how much of a hardcase you want to be about definitions, Red Skelton. All the rest were and are weak and lame.

But puppets? I don't get it. (And brother, if I had a nickel ...)

At any rate, MonkeyFilter points to this site, proving once again that you can find any flavor of hatred on the internet: God Hates Rags

I guess that's my cue to find my own pointless focus for acrimony and start flogging it right here. Let's see, what will it be ... canned biscuits? Rubber combs? Potted meat? Staple removers? Lint? Okay, they're all akin to the forces of darkness, but I still don't see a rallying cry there. My own abiding source of annoyance, the focus of a lifetime of rage and frustration, is Human Stupidity, but that's a bottomless well from which no sane person has ever returned, if you know what I mean.

If I have anything like a current hobbyhorse to ride, maybe it's the Select Comfort bed that Lindsey "Bionic Woman" Wagner does commercials for. You're supposed to adjust the firmness of the mattress to your liking by setting a dial from one to a hundred. But you can only set it in multiples of five. So you only actually have twenty or so possible settings instead of a hundred, which is how they make it sound on the ads. And what if you decide that 35 is too soft but 40 is too hard? Sure would be great to set that bed for 37 or 38, but you CAN'T! And I'm assuming that the high end of the scale is the hard end, but does that mean that a setting of 100 would be like lying on an upholstered marble slab? Just asking.

I feel like a total lackwit for thinking that some of this stuff is even supposed to make sense.

(Oopsie. Almost forgot the other reason clowns are so scary: John Wayne Gacy. And don't try to tell me he was the only one with that idea.)


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