Oh, if only ...

You know how to tell when society is doing really well? I mean really really well? It's when you wish that the news stories in The Onion were true and the stories in the real newspapers were made up.

Ken Lay's Corpse Sentenced To Prison:

HOUSTON—A U.S. district court judge handed down the maximum sentence Tuesday to the body of former Enron CEO Kenneth L. Lay, who was convicted on multiple counts of securities and wire fraud when alive last May. "Mr. Lay, given the severity and scope of your blatant disregard for the laws and ethics of business, this court has no hesitation in posthumously sentencing you to rot in a maximum-security correctional facility," Judge Sim Lake said while addressing Lay's decomposing corpse Tuesday. "May God have already had mercy on your soul." Lay's remains will immediately begin serving a 45-year sentence, but could be eligible for parole as early as 2026 if they exhibit good behavior.

I guess we'll always wonder whether it was something more than too many trips to Ruth's Chris Steak House that precipitated Lay's intriguingly timely heart attack. Something that belongs on the last page of a Tales from the Crypt comic book.